A Story That Could Be True

If you were exchanged in the cradle and
your real mother died
without ever telling the story
then no one knows your name,
and somewhere in the world
your father is lost and needs you
but you are far away.

He can never find
how true you are, how ready.
When the great wind comes
and the robberies of the rain
you stand on the corner shivering.
The people who go by -
you wonder at their calm.

They miss the whisper that runs
any day in your mind,
“Who are you really, wanderer?”
and the answer you have to give
no matter how dark and cold
the world around you is:
“Maybe I’m a king.”

–William Stafford

Developing and Applying a More Positive Mental Attitude

So, I recently went on a series of dates with this one woman.  I have to admit, I’m not sure that we really had any sort of connection, but I was definitely attracted to her.  (I think I have a nose ring fetish.)  We ended up making out a few times, but didn’t really progress much after that.

I think one of the reasons why I didn’t create the connection is because I forgot to be a “yes and” type person.

What do I mean by that?

I forgot to be agreeable and positive and to build on that.

So, instead, I came off as a bit judgmental.

Not good.

(Oh, did I mention, I forgot to flirt?)

So, I think I’m going to write a few posts based on this experience.

My first few ideas come from Buddhism.

THE EIGHTFOLD PATH. The Eightfold Path consists of

• right view (sho-ken)
• right thought (sho-shi)
• right speech (sho-go)
• right action (sho-gyo)
• right livelihood (sho-myo)
• right effort (sho-shojin)
• right mindfulness (sho-nen)
• right concentration (sho-jo).

I think in the end, this can be summed up as being careful with the words we use when we speak to others, as well as the words that we use when we speak to ourselves.

So, from this, we get two personal commitments to myself: 

1)  Be careful with how I speak to others.  Am I conveying myself in a positive way?  As a confident man?

2)  Be careful with how I speak to myself.  Am I telling myself that I’m a confident man?  That I’m an attractive person?  That I will meet someone with all the characteristics that I’m looking for?

Much has been made in the community about the movie The Secret.  If one adheres to those principles, then this is a technique of tapping into them.  If one is less mystical, then these techniques will lead to a healthier way of thinking.  Either way, it’s a victory.  (As some say, all game is inner game).  I definitely plan on addressing these two thoughts more thoroughly in the future.

In the meantime, here’s a link to a great interview conducted by Eric aka Disco.  http://approachanxiety.com/?p=123.  Brad P sounds like a really cool guy who did a tremendous amount of self-development.  Eric asked some really insightful questions, which isn’t really surprising, because his blog tends to be very thoughtful. 

Notes from the Blogosphere

Just a few things, I’ve noticed lately:

• Mybirthdaypony has changed his site to:  http://nightlifeserenade.com/wordpress/.
• The Unnoffical Juggler Forums has changed it’s name to The Natural Game Forums and has changed its location to:  http://naturalgameforums.com.  The forums are run by Mybirthdaypony and Itotem, two of my favorites.  (Itotem’s site is:  http://kissntale.wordpress.com/)
• The guys at Pickuppodcast are frequently posting their podcasts, all of them excellent.  Just listening to these guys is enough to get me pumped up:  http://www.pickuppodcast.com/.
• Vin Dicarlo just hosted a very substantive conference call the other day.  Also, his forums have been getting more active:  http://www.vindicarlo.com/forums/.
• Jonathan Christian Hudson seems to have joined The Approach in some capacity:  http://www.turnseven.com/.
• The Approach has posted a huge archive of articles.  http://www.asktheapproach.com/
• Eric aka Disco is always posting great stuff on his site (with great artwork):  http://www.approachanxiety.com/
• I’m enjoying reading how JC is reinventing himself:  http://howireinventedmyself.blogspot.com/.

“The way to be interesting is to be interested.”

“We may be in the Universe as dogs and cats are in our libraries, seeing the books and hearing the conversation, but having no inkling of the meaning of it all.”

–WILLIAM JAMES,  A Pluralistic Universe

“… A man’s vision is the great fact about him. Who cares for Carlyle’s reasons, or Schopenhauer’s, or Spencer’s? A philosophy is the expression of a man’s intimate character, and all definitions of the Universe are but the deliberately adopted reactions of human characters upon it.”

–Ibid

 Ok.  For those who know me, you already know that I can be a bit scattered.  A jack of all trades and master of none.  I have a wide range of interests and seem so overwhelmed with possibilities that I don’t really seem to explore any of them and, at times, even remember what they are.  I’m just that scattered.

While surfing the net, I stumbled across a great article.  You may have read it already.  I hadn’t.  It resonated with me.  Here’s the link (must give credit where credit is due!):  http://russelldavies.typepad.com/planning/2006/11/how_to_be_inter.html

Other people seem to know who Mr. Davies is.  I don’t.  Please forgive me ignorance.  However, I will say this.  For me, this was a brilliant post.  The one thing I needed to get back on track.  Thank you, Mr. Davies.

Personally, I find the problem with working at a job that requires a large commitment, dedication to learning about the various pickup methods out there is that we no longer explore our other interests (or develop new ones).  Insulated lives tend to lead to insulated and boring conversations.  Let’s face it, insulated lives are uninspired lives and who in their right mind would want to be with a person who is uninspiring?

Mr. Davies says that:

1.  The way to be interesting is to be interested.  You’ve got to find what’s interesting in everything, you’ve got to be good at noticing things, you’ve got to be good at listening.  If you find people (and things) interesting, they’ll find you interesting.

2.  Interesting people are good at sharing.  You can’t be interested in someone who won’t tell you anything. Being good at sharing is not the same as talking and talking and talking.  It means you share your ideas, you let people play with them and you’re good at talking about them without having to talk about yourself.

He then goes on to recommend the following:

• Take at least one picture everyday. Post it to flickr.
• Start a blog. Write at least one sentence every week.
• Keep a scrapbook
• Every week, read a magazine you’ve never read before
• Once a month interview someone for 20 minutes, work out how to make them interesting. Podcast it.
• Collect something
• Once a week sit in a coffee-shop or cafe for an hour and listen to other people’s conversations. Take notes. Blog about it. (Carefully)
• Every month write 50 words about one piece of visual art, one piece of writing, one piece of music and one piece of film or TV. Do other art forms if you can. Blog about it
• Make something
• Read

I now make the following commitment to myself and to being more interesting:

1.  When I wake up in the morning (or just before going to sleep), I’m going to write a game-plan as to what I’d ideally like to explore that day.

2.  I will also have a calendar to schedule events.

3.  On a daily basis, I will aspire to:

• take at least one picture a day and post it on flickr.
• read 20 pages of a book — and keep a simple, personal book journal.
• go to the gym.
• spend one hour doing something related to pickup.
• make at least four people smile.
• think about blogging.    

On a weekly basis, I’ll aspire to:

• Read a good magazine.
• Write about one one art form:  visual art; writing; music; film; tv.
• Sit in a cofffee shop and listen to a new conversation for one hour while taking notes.

On a monthly basis:

• Go to at least one museum; take notes.
• Go to at least one improv show; take notes.
• Go to at least one other live event of interest, such as a poetry slam or a storytelling session.
• Work on an art project that I’ve been thinking about for a while.

Each morning (or evening before), I’ll sit down with my to-do list and calendar to figure out how I’m doing with these things and what I’ll need to schedule.  If I do the things, I’ve schedule:  great.  If not:  no problem.  The goal is to simply get myself to remember about doing and thinking about these things.  That’s the only real goal of the list and calendar.  It shouldn’t become a job or a chore.

This is exciting.

Don’t forget how cute they are!

So tonight I failed to connect with somebody.  Why?  Because I forgot to appreciate how cute she was.  I forgot to flirt with her.  I forgot to make her feel playful.

I asked her what she does that’s quirky.

She said she takes a hip-hop class.

I asked her where.

Why?

Is that really the best question to ask?

I forgot to tell her it was cute.  I forgot to tease her.

So… I forgot to connect.

Never forget how cute they are… never forget to connect.

Inner Focus vs. Outer Focus

I was reading through Entertainment Weekly today, which had a feature story on Heroes in it and a supplement listing the top 25 science fiction films and series of the past few decades.  Another article discussed Michael Chabon and his latest book, which appears to be an off-beat piece of fiction that takes place in a slightly alternate reality.

 I then stopped to think.  I love reading off-beat books, watching off-beat movies, tv shows, etc.  I have since I was a little kid.  And all of these things are slightly cerebral; they require one to think inwardly or speculate or consider big ideas.

And I thought — maybe this is linked to those of us who are trying to become a little bit more socially sophisticated.  Maybe we were so inwardly focused as kids (and, later, as adults) that we neglected to be outwardly focused.

I find that my inner game weakness is that I think to much about myself during interactions and not about the other person.  That, instead of listening to the other person, I’m listening to my inner chatter.

In improv, when one gets stuck in a scene, one should focus on one’s partner.

This seems like it would be true for any social situation.

And maybe every conversation doesn’t have to be cerebral.  Maybe it can just be about the environment, the situation, etc. and not about saving the world.

Just my thoughts after reading Entertainment Weekly.

Take care.

Try, fail; try again, fail better

So I haven’t been that great about posting on this site lately.  Why is that?  I think I’ve been making myself feel overwhelmed with the amount of material with which I want to familiarize myself as well as the amount of progress that I believe I need to make.  I often have the bad habit of going to a blog, seeing something I like, and then jumping through a link to another site, in a very ADD-like manner.  As a result, I don’t think that I’m really locking anything down or developing a sufficient amount of comprehension.  Also, because of this, when I’m interacting with women, I don’t really seem to be applying anything and still seem to be sticking to my bad habits.

The headline of this post is Try fail; try again, fail better.  Why have I written this?  Why am I thinking about this?  Well, last night, I saw someone in a bar who I wanted to approach.  Tall and attractive in a sophisticated way.  But I didn’t approach.  I didn’t say hello.  I didn’t try and succeed.  I didn’t try and fail.   And I have been kicking myself for it every since.

I think the pain of not trying is much stronger than the pain of trying and failing.

I think — at the end of the day — it feels better to have tried than to have not tried at all.

It’s not about the success of getting a number, getting a date, or getting a smile.  It’s about the success of making the effort. 

Especially if this is still a new thing and still a bit difficult.

I’ve been too outcome oriented.  I’ve erroneously thought that it’s safer to avoid rejection. 

It’s safer to try.

It’s safer not to wonder:  what if?

So, this is where my head is at right now:

1)  I need to focus on one piece of material at a time.  Maybe I should spend this week reading David Deida’s book.

2)  I need to remember that it is better to make the effort — and risk rejection — than to not do it, get home later, and drive myself crazy about lost opportunities.  (When I’m upset, it’s because I’m angry at myself for not having made the effort; it’s not about getting hung up on a specific woman.)

 3)  I need to be less outcome oriented.  Maybe I need to redefine what I’m trying to do.  I was thinking that I might make it my mission to figure out if this is a good person and make that the goal of my interaction.

This is all part of my effort to figure out why I don’t always approach and to positively address this issue.

Thanks to everyone who has been leaving me comments.  They may be few in number, but the quality has been unbelievable and the support has been very encouraging and helpful.  It’s inspiring to see so many people who are so sincere in offering help to others and/or focused on improving themselves.  This is such a great community.

Situational Relevance

According to Vincent of the Approach, situational relevance (SitRel) consists of three components:  (i) energy; (ii) context; and (iii) comprehension level.  Here’s my understanding of this:

1.  ENERGY

Match her energy level.  Make it a little bit higher than hers — but only a little.

2.  CONTEXT

Don’t rapidly jump between seemingly random topics.  Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of doing this all the time.  This of course, creates the impression that I’m nervous.  Better to appear relaxed.

3.  COMPREHENSION

Match her comprehension level.  If she’s talking about light topics — keep it light.  If she’s discussing deeper ideas — then go deep.

Imaginary Pizza

I sometimes think that as kids, we were all natural PUAs.  I was reminded of this when I went to refill my laundry card the other morning. 

A little girl (who was maybe 2 or 3) was watching me as I was operating an ATM-like machine.

Wanting to socialize, she blurted out:  “I had pizza for lunch and dinner yesterday.” 

I said ”Really?  That’s a lot of pizza.  What did you have on them?  Cheese?” 

She smiled and said:  “Mushrooms and mustard!” 

“Mustard,” I said.  “That must have been a really spicy pizza!”

“No it wasn’t!  It was imaginary pizza.”

A few moments later, as I was leaving the room, she stuck her head out the door and said:  “Today, I’m going to have real pizza!” 

Trust me.  It was very cute and she knew exactly what she was doing! So, what can I learn about social interactions from this precocious 2 or 3 year old? 

Let’s see (and feel free to disagree or add any personal observations):

1.  Fearless approach.  I doubt that this little girl every gave any thought to the possibility that I would reject her opening.  She wanted to talk, so that’s exactly what she did.  Such a healthy attitude.  When did we unlearn this?  For me, I think it was years of my parents instructing me not to talk to strangers.  Maybe that’s good advice for a 2 to 3 year old (this one’s mother was in the room, so she’s forgiven), but not good advice for people in their 20s and beyond.

2.  No outcome in mind/being in the moment.  This little girl didn’t care if she would ever see me again.  Again, she wanted to talk.  That’s all she wanted out of the interaction:  to share a moment with somebody.  Now, I know that we’re all aiming to number close or create an instant date with the women who we meet when we go out, but I have to admit:  I’m simply not that advanced yet.  For us beginners, maybe the whole point is to share a moment.  And, I suspect, even for the more advanced, you’re just stringing together a series of moments.

3.  Vibe.   What we say isn’t as important as how we say it.  Look at her opening:  it was a silly, nonsensical line.  In fact, she completely made it up.  It was an invention.  It was an excuse to talk. 

And how about how we talk to kids.  What can we learn from that?

Well, I think the obvious thing is the frame.  I don’t know about you, but unless they’re throwing major tantrums, I think that almost anything a kid does is cute.  And, isn’t that one of the frames that Lance Mason talks about?  That everything a woman does is cute?  Even if she’s giving us a hard time? 

How am I demonstrating value?

By giving her my approval.

 1.  By telling her what I like about her, I’m showing her that I’m coming from a place of confidence.

2.  By qualifying her — or, as Woodhaven and/or Dimitri would say — “intention mapping” her, I’m also showing her that I’m coming from a place of confidence.

3.  By disqualifying myself — while confidently showing that I really don’t believe what I’m saying — I’m also showing her that I’m coming from a place of confidence.

Question:  do I disqualify the specific or the general?

Question:  do I approve the specific or the general?